| January 28, 2017 |
Sometimes, I don’t like that I write publicly.
Sometimes, I don’t like social media.
It leaves me open to so much judgement, and I feel this vulnerability burning through me sometimes. It makes me feel alone and scared and self-conscious.
I think about how I don’t have enough photos of me doing the things I love because, well, people just won’t “buy it” that I’m into mountaining or SCUBA diving or yoga because I don’t “prove it.” The social media facade is beautiful in its artful expression, yet sometimes damaging to self-esteem and awareness.
I think about how I may be putting myself out there too much, and it may make you feel stand-off-ish. I’m not trying to be better than you. In fact, I’m not really trying at all.
Should I be trying more?
Also, I think you’re pretty awesome. Maybe even more awesome than me. We may like different things, or have different current goals, but that doesn’t make one of us better. Just because I’m attempting to “live my dream” doesn’t mean you can’t be happy in your desk job, married life, or other stage of life you may think is too “ordinary.” That’s not what I’m trying to say here. I’m just trying to connect with you on some level on the things that make us feel alive. I know they’re different, so please don’t judge me for what makes my skin tingle and heart race. Please?
Sometimes, I feel like I’m over-enthusiastic. Too passionate. Filled with too much love. I don’t mean this sarcastically. I mean it seriously. Like, I can’t control my decision-making process because I’m always intrigued by everything. It makes me judge myself. Maybe I jump at the idea of too many opportunities, over-indulge, and over-expose myself. Sometimes, I can’t help myself, and I just bubble over, and let go of all control. And then I feel too exposed, and naked, and a little afraid of what others are thinking when they look at me. Sometimes, I just want to be quiet and observe.
I’m trying to just go with the flow of life, and be open to it all, but trying to explain this in words sometimes makes me feel a wee bit crazy. When people ask me where I’m going to be or where I want to be, I just want to say: I don’t know. But then I feel like a non-committal individual. The thing is, I want to commit. And I am committed: to my heart and what may arise and fall from opportunity. Is this the way of zen? It doesn’t feel very zenful. I’m working on that.
Oh, the beautiful pain of vulnerability.
Namaste, Fellow Dreamers.