January 14, 2021

Dear 2020,

It’s now been two weeks since you left and I’ve been sitting here with continued discomfort and uncertainty. My heart is searching for the meaning in our tumultuous time together and I wanted to write you this letter when I felt ready. You know I’m not a woman to simply react on my emotions, so I needed time to sit with them before I approached you. I can’t believe I’ve had more tears to shed for you, but – alas – they are pouring from my heart onto this letter I’m writing.

I have to admit, I don’t feel as good as I thought I would after our severance. All this space has left me with a ball of anxiety and it’s unsettling! I hoped our splitting would suddenly alleviate the pressure, anxiousness, and uncertainty… all of which are relentlessly persistent in this world! Every time I settle into the uncertainty, the ground gets pulled from under my feet again. It’s exhausting. Yoga, prayer, meditation, breathing practices… I’m using ALL my tools. I’m getting there. I really am. But I just HAVE to release some of what I’m feeling.

I realized I needed to write to you when I started blaming you over and over again for the world’s grief and turmoil. I kept cussing at you under my breath and I didn’t really feel this was fair to you, nor to myself. The Buddha says hanging onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal and I’ve been acutely aware of the burning in my hands at times. This awareness has been painful, but also necessary and beautiful. I only feel it’s fair I alleviate you of the burden and fault I’ve put on you these past few months. I want to fire you as my scapegoat.

When I first sat to write, I wanted to tell you I despised you for ruining SO MANY things. I’ve held onto resentment after resentment as I’ve experienced cancellations of important events – birthday celebrations, weddings, baby showers, Christmas Eve gatherings with ALL MY FAVORITE PEOPLE, Taco Tuesday with a margarita in hand. I have felt sadness and anger seeping through my heart as I’ve experienced and supported others through loved ones passing away, trauma beyond comprehension, suicides, injustices, unemployment. I kept shaking my fist at you, pleading for you to JUST LEAVE US ALONE! At times, it’s seemed to be too much to bear. I think this is why I wanted to keep blaming you… blaming something. It has just feel too uncomfortable to hold onto all this grief myself.

The weird thing is, as I was writing to tell you all the things you did wrong, I realized there was so much you taught me through the process. You showed me I was never actually ALONE in this grief after all. You showed me how much community means to me and how interconnected we are. You showed what a ‘call to action’ can look like in the face of adversity and grief. You showed me comfort and security in ways I’ve denied myself in the past. And so, I’ve sat… and sat… and sat… observing all these feelings rising and falling within me, around me. I’ve felt them settling down more… and more… with each passing day. I feel like my InstaPot on natural release, just letting the steam escape from my heart and mind. The grip around me is releasing as I realize of all you gave me. Under all the yucky feelings, I am finally seeing you taught me invaluable lessons.

It’s taking a lot for me to say this, 2020. My ego is on overdrive, but I’m setting it aside for now. It’s time to release my feelings so I may reach further clarity, no matter how vulnerable or uncomfortable it may feel. Honestly, I think you deserve it, too. It’s been rough going for the both of us.

So, this is my cathartic release. This is my emotional shedding. It’s my way of cleansing, clarifying, and releasing through writing. It’s really the only way I know how to process, so thank you for listening to me.

Here I go, 2020… This one is for you…