| April 11, 2017 |
Happy Full Moon! Today I’m reflecting on what brought me here, to the state of Washington again: all the support and love of my family and friends on the East coast, the endless development of my connection to my heart’s calling, and the power of manifestation.
My brain that was overloaded and confused (therefore “stuck,” and “attached”) finally let it go. Through some intense dark-room meditation with Alan Watts, I got real with myself. I allowed myself to proceed into the next natural step in my life, and started exploring some options. With a ton of meditation and self-reflection, I reached a state progress and clarity. It all seemed to come together so fast, yet I wasn’t overwhelmed. It all felt so natural. I was free within the confines of my mind to control my destiny.
I decided I would head back out to the Western United States to get back in touch with the mountains that had inspired me so grandly in 2016. I came to terms with my areas of weakness, and sources of attachment (to people, places, and ideas) that were detrimental to my psyche. I realized my undying enthusiasm for EVERYTHING sometimes disconnects me from my goals. And so, on January 24th, I made the well-thought-out decision to return to the state of Washington to work with children and I still had so much I wanted to learn, and knew I’d be ready for all that would open up to me back in Washington.
But first? Some more quality family time, sunshine in Florida, and big purchases.
| April 10, 2017 |
Well, now that things came together, and I’m back in Washington, I’ve started dealing with all these emotions of feeling the need to “catch up.”
Now that I understand I’m meant to be in the mountains, I have all these new dreams surfacing. Dreams of summits and multi-pitch climbs and backcountry ski routes–it’s all out there, waiting for me to explore! But, I feel so under-experienced and far away from some of these dreams. I haven’t adequately been in a rock climbing gym in some time (and there’s not one in Yakima), I’ve never done any lead climbing, I don’t have any technical skills to do mountaineering, and I don’t have skis that allow for skinning and backcountry routes…
I’m just a girl who loves the outdoors, and wants to dive into it in every possible way, and embrace all that I can learn. I can’t help it. I’m overly enthusiastic for everything outside, and overcoming any barriers to get there. I’m sitting right outside my comfort zone most of the time, and that’s where I want to be. In fact, I’ll go as far from my comfort zone as I can, thank you very much.
I have to sit quite often, close my eyes, and visualize myself feeling natural with the things I feel so uncomfortable with. I want to be confident in situations that are unpredictable, and somehow feel the mountain therapy I am pursuing is shifting my view of life and daily frustrations/struggles. I feel that, by venturing into the unknown of Mother Nature and all she encompasses, I am venturing deeper into my soul. By pushing my limits, I am connecting so profoundly with myself and the world around me.
And sometimes, this connection is so damn frustrating. I feel myself shift sometimes, when I see a photo of someone doing an activity I dream to do. I feel my brain putting limitations in my mind, telling myself that I will “never be able to reach that level.”
Bullshit, brain. Don’t feed me these obscene thoughts.
If there’s one thing I learned form Alan Watts, it’s that we are limitless. We are always expanding and growing and proceeding in our natural path.
If my natural path is the mountains, with ski touring, mountaineering, and rock climbing in my future, then I will let it proceed in this way. It will continue to unfold naturally and beautifully, and I will let go of my desires. By thinking about all the things I am NOT doing, I am not grateful for what I have accomplished. I have certainly pushed myself out of my comfort zone a good amount, and am doing so many new things (upcoming reports on snow camping, snowshoeing, and a little preview of backcountry skiing).
I don’t want to put pressure on myself. So many times, I’ve realized that I beat myself up over the little things in life (and they’re all little things). So many times, I overextend myself. I tell myself I need to do MORE MORE MORE. Well, maybe less is more. Maybe what I have right now is enough. I have the support, mountain friends, and access to the places I can play with my dreams. I can (and will) continue to grow and learn, exponentially.
Right now, I just need to be happy where I am. I’m in a place surrounded by natural beauty and mountains with three National Parks, an upcoming volcano season where I can start ski touring, and mountains that need summiting.
I love that I don’t know much about everything I dream of, because I know I can only expand more in the future.
I can’t wait to see where I am in one year. This will be fun.
The mountains are calling…
| April 6, 2017 |
I spent a good chunk of time in January laying in a dark room with ski goggles covered with cardboard on my face, excessive tearing from my eyes, and pondering the complex thoughts expressed by Alan Watts. I listened to almost 15 hours of Alan Watts’ Out of Your Mind while recovering from PRK laser eye surgery and *woah* was it awakening. The lectures were recorded in the late 1960’s in Alan Watt’s home, and the voice of the ‘self-proclaimed spiritual entertainer’ was my sole source of entertainment as I literally sat in darkness for three days straight. After that time, I slowly re-integrated back into the world, without the need to stick contacts into my eyes in the morning, and no more glasses in the evening. FREEDOM!!!!
After my surgery on January 20, I went through one full tissue box in one night as my eyes were uncontrollably tearing. They were literally running down my face, and every time I blinked I felt like there were teeny tiny grains of sandpaper in my eyes. When my eyes were closed, it felt like I had a bandaid over my eyes, yet when I opened them, even the smallest light was like daggers through my pupils. Even the tiny green light on my Mac’s charger was like a laser beam. I could barely stand it.
So what’d I do to stay sane? Get out of my mind with Alan Watts.
| April 4, 2017 |
You’re back for more OW-some talk about the WFR course, huh? I’ve told you how much I miss this group of people, right? If I could have, I would have lived eternally in winter at Raquette Lake. Waking up every morning for breakfast at 7:30am wasn’t even a battle. I was usually awake before my alarm clock, ready for the day. Though my brain was somewhat overwhelmed at times, it never got unbearable. Some of my knowledge from my Doctor of Physical Therapy program was actually becoming applicable, and raised some interesting questions for our units such as spinal cord injury and cardiac/respiratory conditions. I also recalled the time I had Acute Mountain Sickness in Ecuador as we covered the effects of altitude. It was really amazing to see the skills of my classmates and I evolve in a few days. Our confidence was rising, and our professional medical skills were growing exponentially. We all supported each other in beautiful ways, and I couldn’t have handpicked a better crew to endure the WFR course with.
| April 3, 2017 |
I’ve started writing about this course a few times now, and every time I sit and think about these 9 days, I feel overwhelmed. So I’ve been a real jerk about it and haven’t devoted the time to actually put this course into words. I don’t really have a lot of photos, so I can’t even overcompensate for my hesitancy to write with photos. Damnit.
Well, let’s be honest here. I was super lost before this course. Frustrated, confused, and ready to just run away to Hawaii. NOLS and Raquette Lake gave me just what I needed at this time in my life. I’m so glad I sucker punched the doubts in my head, questioning why the hell I was spending the money on this course (cost was FOUR digits) when it wouldn’t give me any credits toward continuing education for my actual career, I didn’t feel my desire to learn was justifiable alone, and I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted out of it. Yet… I was drawn to take this course to be more comfortable venturing into the outdoors (and not depending on others all the time), and maybe… just maybe… find a way to use this course to get me outside in my career. Even if not, I didn’t care. I just wanted to take this course.
And so my journey began in Raquette Lake, New York on January 5, 2017. Let’s dive into this…
Get post updates and inspiration hand-delivered to your inbox!